Monday, April 7, 2008

And, When I Get Back, You're Going To Tell Me What Exonerate Means

A wee bit of fabulous advices from the one and only Texaconsin Diva:

When getting on the highway, especially in this Longhorn City of ours, you may want to consider going faster than 35-miles-per-hour. At minimum, a good consideration would be 65-miles-per-hour. If you should so choose not to do so, then understand it's your own death. Please do not take me with you. In the very least, get out of the way; otherwise, you need not be stepping foot on our Longhorn City highways unless you are a passenger who is bound, gagged and hog-tied to a post while some one else who commutes will follow and completely comprehend the laws, regulations and rules of Driving-and-Darwinism-on-Our-Texas-Highways.

In addition, if you should happen to pull out in front of me when you have no room to do so, do. not. slam. on. your. brakes. It was not me who pulled out in front of you. I was driving along minding my own business when, whoooaaahhhhhh(!), to my amazement, you almost hit my Coco Chanel, which also would have included smacking me. If you had done so, it may be wise to realize that I most likely would have kicked you in your peasy-a** head. It is here that I would very much like to point out that I have a very strong foot, which is beside the point, other than me kicking you in your noggin' would hurt. So, just think about it for more than, oh Iduuno, let's say, a fraction of a second before you pull out in front of me. Then, you don't have to be annoyed that I'm right there willing to provide your vehicle with a free enema service.

In other words, don't punish me for your brain damaged-ness.

One last item of the day . . . . . get off your frackin' hand-held phone when you are driving.

. . . . . . . . what? You think I'm angry? I am not the one driving as though my brain is missing from its cranial cavity. They are the twit-bag-arsehats causing accidents at every unforeseen circumstance. I'm not going to jinx myself, because really, fate has a way with toying with me, so I won't say anything about me and accidents that have not yet happened. . . . But why, oh why, are you making my daily morning commute so harrowing that I feel as if I live in fear of the Khmer Rouge itself?

Shoish! IamNOTfullofrhetoric. NoramIviolent. Really. I'm not.


ETK said...

You tell 'em sister! They need to get off the freeways (all of 'em - the ones in peachy states too)!!!

Jay said...

That pulling out in front of me then hitting the breaks drives me freaking crazy! I usually lay on the horn and flip them off when they do that. Scares the little old ladies to death though. haha

Alli said...

Yes, tell them! Tell them all in H-town, too.

Man, people were being idiots on the road today. My fuse was shortening VERY quickly this afternoon.

You'd think driving was rocket science or somethin!


Rock Chef said...

There are too many people in the world. There are too many cars on the road. We need a cull. Leave the seal pups alone, let's go clubbing bad drivers!

Tink said...

Damn straight, girl.

I sat behind two teenage girls in a minivan yesterday who were too busy talking to notice the light had turned green. I think they might have been deaf too. They didn't seem to notice when I laid on my horn. We sat through that entire green light... It STILL pisses me off.

g-man said...

Same sh1t different city!! Just another reason that I don't like people generally.

Jen said...

etk: bou-yah!

Jay: You should have seen my mad driving skillz. I was like Kimi Raikkonen swerving around dilapidated mini-van slamming on his brakes b/c he was mad at me for being on his a** when HE WAS THE ONE WHO CUT ME OFF. I had, like, 3 seconds to react to him turning in front of me and slamming on his brakes. I'm thankful for my car being a good handling machine. . . . .

Alli: I find that I'm an angrier person b/c of my daily commute. I don't like that about myself.

rock chef: well said! I'd commute on my bike if it didn't include any highways. Unfortunately, it's about 30 miles away and involves all highway driving. Talk about a death sentence; just try to ride your bike on the freeways here (which I think is illegal anyway).

tink: Ino and feel your pain. stuff like this happens to me daily now that I drive more (to and fro school). It still makes me boil at times as well. Especially when the almost taking of my life occurs.

g-man: I had a key chain that said, "same sh*t different day" - you should make yours, "same sh*t different city" into a key chain too. Make a few million (I'll be checking on royalties later, my friend).

Emmeline said...

Stupid bad drivers. They are everywhere. I'm afraid I've even been one at times! :/


AmyTree said...

Driving whilst talking on a hand-held phone is now illegal here, thank goodness. Not that it makes a huge amount of difference, it's still legal (apparantly) to drive whilst eating, applying makeup, shaving and shoving one's head up one's own bottom.

R.E.H. said...

Road rage is popular blog fodder these days! ;) And, I can totally understand - those idiots who like to pull out in front of you make me furious every time.