Wednesday, May 14, 2008

When All Else Fails, Read the Directions


Mr. Gecko-Lizard-From-the-Wondrous-&-Deadly-Outdoors:

For four(4)-weeks I completely loved and protected you; gave you shelter in our home. Even while many a dog sought and found you. Include the wily cats whom also hunted and located your green leetol bum. I would pick you up and place you on higher ground. Always. I then banished my kitty to a separate room - for weeks. All in the name of safety for Mr. Gecko who found his way from outside inside.

I made sure you had fresh bugs for lively gourmet meals. I thought this was our unsigned agreement: you eat the indoor insects and I made sure that no one stepped on you. I also made sure to find you each and every day to be sure you were still alive and kicking. If I could not locate your scaly arse, I was deeply saddened - ask the husband, I was. I hadn't called the pest control man for fear of killing you with all things fumy. I did not mind you staring at me as I typed on my computer. If you fell, I gently picked you up. I cleaned your poo - and I have enough of that currently going on to last the rest of my life, believe me. I vacuumed up your shredded shedded skin. I found you heat and water. I let you sleep in my family room throw.

The husband helped sustain your life as well. He was like a pro-wrestler keeping the dogs at bay. Without us, you would have been bird food by the second week of your birth. For serious.

Yesterday, I almost stepped on you - curses to you and your chameleon-like ways. Obviously, this meant you were on the floor. So, again, I bent down to protect you from the hounds-of-hell - - - jaws that were just waiting for a good chomp of you. You were a bit squirrely as you had not had your coffee for the day either, but I managed to get you up off to higher ground. I then ever so tenderheartedly put you down. . . . . . . . . . .

. . . . . . . . where you promptly turned and unnecessarily bit my finger. Hard. Unflinchingly hard. You suddenly and unbelievably had a sustained spasm of your masseter muscle. I didn't even know geckos had such a thing, but you were strong, let me tell you. I could not get you to LET GO of my precious and, might I add, cute finger. For 5-minutes I pried and pried; where I only to manage to shred my own finger. That was not cool, Mr. Gecko. Not cool at all.

And, that frackin' hurt.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . outside you go, you little b*st*rd.

Warmest Regards,

P.S. To any beastly-evil-spiders that may be reading this message: while I may be tolerant of almost any creature who dwells in my home, you best hope the husband finds you first, b/c I will squish you into a pile of spider mucus without thinking twice about it. I hold a doctrine that determines my race is superior to as well as has the right to rule yours. Eight-legged-freaks, I will have none of it. So, beware - there is no lifeguard on duty for you here. Unless, of course, it's the husband. He has taken pity on your souls.


Jay said...

Can you believe that ungrateful little jerk?? I would have executed him on the spot!

Hilarious post though. ;-)

ETK said...

Alas, while you ignore me in cyberspace chat, I shall amuse myself with your wit here. And share it with all the mere mortals out there. Like Jay. Mortal!

HAHAHA - you crack me up. I LOVE your writing!! Damn that gecko! After you were SOOOOOO nice to it!

Alli said...

Bad leez-erd! Bad!!! Out he goes!

Yes, Jen does not like spiders. at. all. Trust me. I've seen her reaction!!

Jen said...

Jay: when I couldn't get him to let go, the only thing I could mortifying-ly think was "I'm going to have to kill this lizard on my finger." I was so sad.

I was even more sad he bit me. I took CARE of him - made him safe.

Pfffft. Lizards. So ungrateful.

etk: oops! Sorry! Totally forgot to turn my IM to "Gone baby gone - my love is gone!"


Alli: And out he went! Now I kinda feel bad. . . . it's storming.

I. Hate. Spiders. I cannot emphasize this enough. Alli is a rare girl that saves my Amazonian a** from the evil-vile-beastly spider goons.

mindy said...

Did you take those pictures? They are awesome!!

Also, silly little gecko for not realizing how good he had it. I am glad you just put him outside though and didn't kill him. You're a nice lady. :-)

tt said...

I love gecko's!! We had them in Okinawa. Whenever we'd 'run out' of them in the house, I'd send my wee boy out to catch some more! We did have one leetol deranged fella though. He wouldn't stay off the floor and eventually met his 'maker' when I accidentally vacuumed him up! Eek!! I miss them actually.
Great story girlie!
I'm soooo with you on the spiders though. I found a wee nest of them under a board one day ( outside) and had a full blown panick attack from it! H.A.T.E. T.H.E.M!!!!!

Rock Chef said...

I was waiting for the twist at the end - it was all too poetic and dreamy - but I never thought he would bite you! Stupid thing!

Ian said...

Lizards, they're the cats of the reptile world. Ungrateful jerks that eat your food and give you nothing back in return.

g-man said...

LOL!! At least he didn't try to sell you insurance or something! Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Nature belongs outside, he was a wild animal and deserves the great and open outdoors. :)

Princess of the Universe said...

I was pet sitting for a friend's iguana once. I was cheerfully trying to get her empty plate away from her paws to fill it up with leafy goodness when she bit me!
Yeah, she went hungry that day.
The next day she avoided eye contact and gave up the plate willingly.

Fi said...

Poor you no one has asked but is your finger OK?
I miss our Gekko visitors(they were v small and only occasionally got in the house) you don't get them in Cambridge!

Jen said...

mindy: yes, I took the photographs. When he's bright green, he's actually a really pretty little fellow!

I didn't want to kill him - it made me sad he was so violent on my finger. I eventually slid him off with my skin finger still intact in his mouth. Yuck.

tt: the husband and I love our gecko's too, but once I got the lock-jaw, that was it for this wee one. Those itty-bitty thangs can BITE! and HARD!

rock chef: Ino! And after all I did for him! Pfffft. Stoopid lizard!

Ian: Exactly!

g-man: definitely belonged in the great outdoors once my finger was almost taken off by the smallest creature in our home. I even let him watch me type on the CPU! The nerve.

Princess of Uni: the kids I babysat had an iguana. I thought she was awesome! She loved mac 'n cheese! A leezard after my own heart. She died after I babysat her - the family always teased me that I killed her. I didn't. I hope they know that!

fi: You're right - my finger is now fine. Repaired - all skin accounted for! Thanks! Awww - no lizards in Cambridge? Does England have ANY lizards, come to think of it?
P.S. How was the trip? Are you settled? e-mail new address, please! Are you seeing loads of old friends and family (or still too far from original home)? Inquiring minds want to know! Hugs!