Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Report of My Death Was NOT An Exaggeration

Something happened the other night at 4:03 AM. Something I never, ever, ever thought would happen. Something I definitely did not want to ever, ever, ever happen. Something I hope that will not ever, ever, ever occur again.

And I'm still supremely debilitated over it. Really. I am.

I was lying asleep completely dead to the world in my complete zombie mode. I faintly felt something run across my head. I heard a small thud as that something hit my pillow. I sat up in bed trying to realize if this was something dreamed, imagined or if a killer spider was on the loose. If any of you realize my terror of all things eight legged, then you comprehend that my heart was beating away at 250 beats per minute. This was not good. Trying unproductively to shake the sleep mode from my brain, I began tuning in my bat-ears, pleading to the gods that be to please make this a horrible nightmare; please don't make this be real. Please,please,please,please. . . .

That's when I heard it. A faint flutter. . . .

I screamed and hit the husband who happened to be lying right by me in his own coma induced sleep. I continued my delicate screaming, "OFALLTHINGSTHATAREHOLYTURNONTHELIGHT! TURNONTHELIGHT! TURNONTHELIGHT!" And, calmly without one iota of a question, the husband turned on the light. . . .

There, making freeway-like time towards the husbands head, on my pillow was a 2-inch long cockroach.

Yes. A $&%@'ing cockroach.

So, I did what any sane and very normal human being would do, I screamed bloody frackin' murder and forcefully threw my entire body off the end of our bed. Hitting the floor with a nice little thud. The husband whom had flown off the side of our bed, stood there, looking down at me and ever so serenely instructed me to extricate myself from my own entangled death trap on our floor to go get the toilet paper. I think I was back before he finished his request with the biggest wad of TP you could find this side of the Mason-Dixon Line at 4:04 AM.

Talk about traumatized. I mean, I'll just let all y'all guess as to how well I've been sleeping since then.

Wall-E's roach companion, Hal from Pixar Films. He is not my friend either. Death to all cockroaches. I mean, the thing has been hand squished and flushed down the toilet, but he's probably still alive. These things do pre-date dinosaurs by 70-million years and can live without its head for a MONTH. It's not natural.


Chief Rock Chef said...

That is HORRIBLE!!! Where did the thing come from?

I think I would have died at that too!

Princess of the Universe said...

That is an AWFUL story.

Jay said...

That really give me the hibby-jibbies.

But, move about 3 or 4 hours South of you and that big-ass cockroach will also have wings. I. Shit. You. Not.

Jen said...

Chief Rock Chef: Um. Right. I keep asking myself the same exact question! Where did it come from? My theory is that it was 26-degrees Fahrenheit that night, so it was looking for a warm place. On my head.

We have our home "pest-controlled" every few months here too! It helps keep the creatures out. Well, normally it would.

PrinofUni: I know! It's still traumatizing me!

Jay: Sadly, it was one of those cockroach's with wings. It was a flying one. . . . (sigh). I've still got the heebie-jeebies too!

Jest said...

Oh my gosh!! At first I thought you were going to say it was a mouse or something, which would have been quite horrible too. I think your reaction was incompletely justified. That's just terrible!

g-man said...

Damn girl, I'd be creeped out totally too. I'd also be investing heavily in sprays and traps and tapes and all that sort of thing, just for a little piece of mind.

I hate bugs.

Ian said...

Jeebus! Urgh.

We buy those square bait things. Stupid roaches love them some poison. At least when you're grabbing them with TP they're (mostly) dead.

Jen said...

Jest: yes, yes - rodents would have been awfully bad as well. We do have our house regularly pested for them as well. Texas. The state where nothing dies. Ever. They just grow big.

G-man: it was awfully awful! I've called the pest control people and they'll be a knocking soon! (I hope)

Jen said...

Ian: you sneaky! Got in there while I was responding. . .

You know, I found a roach lying on its back in our garage. Thinking it was dead, I went to give it a heavy kick to the outside of our garage. . . . The thing flew up and scurried away as fast as lightening!

Once again, I screamed! And screamed! And screamed!

So, even when I think they're dead. . . . they just know how to terrorize me by playing possum. Stoopid roaches.

Cristen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tink said...

EWWWWWW! A least it wasn't a giant waterbug. Those things bite and have wings. *Shudder*

Fi said...

We are still amazed that we never got one in our house in Cyprus.
They are prehistoric and just the worst thing...EVER!
I didn't know you could get flying ones....that's even worse since I have a phobia of flying things...of all sizes...but mostly the smaller insect creatures......Yeeuch!
I may never come back across the pond.

Anonymous said...

Kind of had the same experience a couple months ago,, except.. we had a bat... I hate bats...they really creep me out..

This blog made me laugh so hard I had to go back and finish reading it.. I really could see this all going on...LOL

Jen said...

Tink: I swear to the gods that be, if given the chance, cockroaches would bite. They would.

Fi: I am envious of your non-cockroach invasion in Cyprus! Lucky you! Maybe I ought to move across the pond to the UK if they have no roaches there?!

Queen of Islands: bats are just furry cockroaches - they just can't live through as much as an indestructible cockroach. Blehck.

Thanks! I think laughter is the best medicine! Even when deathly attacked by a icky creature known as the cockroach.

Anonymous said...

Well there's only one thing left to do. Pack up, right now, and move. That'll help.

Anonymous said...

ewewewewewewewewewewewewewew! I would not have been able to go back to sleep. ugh. I wish you hadn't posted this. probably won't be able to sleep tonight now!


Jen said...

Suze: Now why didn't I think of that?! Dammit.

Em: I did NOT go back to sleep that night. I'm still suffering lack of sleep & it doesn't help that since then, I haven't been sleeping well. B/c of the roach. That stoopid cockroach.

I had to share. This is the kind of pain that cannot be kept to oneself. Ever.

Fi said...

I can totally understand the not sleeping. I think I'd be the same.
@roaches do exist in UK but not commonly found in domestic arrangements. That said you would not find such a beautiful house as yours in any way affordable so I guess them's the breaks.
How about a mossie net, hermetically sealed round the bed for sleeping?

Alli said...

Oh dear lord. How frightening.

"I just threw up a little bit in my mouth."


Anonymous said...

OH. MY. GOD. Girl, there is not a bug in the world that I hate more than a roach. They are horrible, disgusting creatures. It digusts me to think that out in the world, right now, someone has dipped some in chocolate and considers it a yummy treat. Now THAT makes me throw up in my mouth a little. And I'm with you on the lack of sleep - I'd have a really hard time with that too. Yikes.

Jen said...

Fi: That is AMAZING that you mentioned a net! I told the husband after I calmly woke him by screaming bloody murder that WE MUST GET A SEALED BUG NETTING FOR AROUND OUR ENTIRE BED. He just laughed at me and rolled over. I am so serious! This must not ever, ever, ever happen again! Ever.

Alli: You so have witnessed my reaction to cockroaches more than once. If I remember correctly, one time I was on the phone with you and I screamed. In your ear. You were very calm about it. I don't scream much, but apparently, roaches make me scream like a wee leetol baybee!

Freak: I forgot about "dipped in chocolate". Yes, now THAT makes me shiver! Why would anyone put something as sacred as chocolate on a "horrible, disgusting creature"!?!? Talk about ruining chocolate. . . . blehck!

I still freak out a little when I have to go to bed at night - it's the first thing I think of crawling into bed each night and out of bed each morning.

Talk about traumatizing. . . . . .

Real Live Lesbian said...

And suddenly, my little encounter with the stinky ladybug doesn't seem so bad! ;)

I'm eeeekkkking with you!