Friday, September 26, 2008

If I Had Only Known, I Would've Been a Locksmith

I swore I'd never write anything work related on this here blog of mine. However, I feel it deep in my inner most bones as my civic duty to edumicate thy masses. Besides, promises were meant to be broken so they tend to tell me.

Actually, I will not be ye so stoopid - I, at least, won't say where I work.

But I will say this, if you have found it absolutely necessary to do a heavy man encrusted workout before you walk into my room for any sort of therapeutic body massage, for the love of God, please, please, please shower. Rinse off your soaking wet, unpleasantly liquid-esq body that happens to be infused with a steeping sense of odor.

I solemnly swear to not touch the by-product of your apocrine glands.

Also, if you deem it fashionably chic to wear your fraternity boy boat shoes without the glory of your God-given right to wear socks, have the inclination, in the very least, to wash off your variety of saprotrophic micro-organism encrusted feet. I do not particularly like feeling as if I have stepped into a dermatophyte fungi convention even if you are not moldy. By the way, is your olfactory system out of order as well?

I solemnly swear to not touch your smellerella feet.

Finally, while I may view bodies close to being completely nekkid, it does not mean that I want to watch you get undressed. I am not in attendance at a "gentlemen's club" and I will not be throwing money into your tha-dank-ka-dank. So, I only ask that you wait to disrobe until I am safely out of the room with the door shut. It is imperative that you then climb under the top cover of the table sheet.

You are not the husband and I do not want nor need to see all of thee.

Legal Schmegaleese: You have been edumacated. This has been an exclusive public service announcement from your friendly Texaconsin Diva also known as Jen. Thank you. For more views on massage therapy - notice I am not a masseus by any measure or means necessary and I would greatly appreciate you not refering to me as such - please send in your written requests, comments, remarks or observations in the "comment" section of "Tales".

Elvis has left the building. At least until next time.


Alli said...

All I can say is ewwwwwwwwwWwwwwwwwwww!!!!!


Ian said...

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Jen said...

Alli: nicely put.

Ian: welcome to MY world.

Chief Rock Chef said...

Huh, you are SOOO PICKY! ;-)

Tink said...


Jen said...

chief rock chef: I am seriously picky. I won't argue there!

tink: can you believe that people show up for massage therapy in these manners?! Me neither, but they do. Yuck.

sid said...

All of these seem to make sense.

g-man said...

Ew, and just rude.

One of our gyms has the Spa attached, so I can see how some sweaty dude might think that it is a good idea to go from one to the other, but really, that is just rude.

One of my old neighbors is going to Massage therapy school, I get to be one of her test subjects!! I told her that we could trade, she could rub my back and then she could pose for me. My portfolio needs more "people" pictures.

Maybe you can keep an extra towel and perfume and antibacterial solution for just such cases :)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that's just gross. Let's hope he reads your blog :)

tt said...

That's just plain gross!!! Wonder if they try to cuddle up to someone at home like that???? Eeeuuwwwwwwwwwwww!
(scuse me...gotta

Real Live Lesbian said...

Blech! Tell me it's just the men.

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Jen said...

sid: well, one would think they make sense therefore, most people would think of such things before a massage, but sadly no - no they don't.

g-man: enjoy your test-subjectness while you still can! It gets expensive after she'll be done with school!

I found some tea tree oil, which is anti-fungal and smells decent enough. I've had to use it many times since this post on people's smellerella feetsies.

suze: I pray they read my blog!

tt: sorry to make you ill. The husband even said to me that he couldn't do what I do & I look at him all strange-like with the response, "but look where you put your hands everyday!"

rll: unfortunately, no. Nope, it's not just the men with bad feet. In fact, it's only the frat boys that wear shoes without socks - the other men are okay. The girls wear flip flops and the bottoms of their feet are BLACK!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness...definitely wrong on so many levels! I will echo another comment: EWWWWWW!
P.S. I have a new blog home. Click me! :)

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