Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I Don't Take Laxatives in My Tea

I have been entirely too acrid lately; in fact, I have been an all around bad-tempered misanthropic creature. Mostly about myself, which is a twistedly good thing considering I live with the husband and I am also not in the neighborhood of wanting to actively lose friends nor the husband. I've turned into a cretin. And not in a good way.

Just a couple hours ago I about essentially blew up over a little thing called "no-toilet-paper-left-on-the-roll-but-not-changed-because-there-were-2-fragments-of-ripped-shards-left-for-someones-use-even-though-
they-were-only-as-big-as-your-middle-fingers.
" And you know who I was going to blame? The husband. And for the love of everything that is made from trees to wipe your bum, the husband. is. not. even. in. town. He left yesterday morning. Nowhere close to our home where he could leave nothing but fragmented shards on the toilet paper roll; even though he does have a tendency to excel in this area. In fact, he almost has it down to a near perfect science, "leave this much TP on the roll and I don't have to change it, but when Jen comes in for a sit - tee hee - she'll be stuck! Oh what fun we'll have!" Is it right to still think that somewhere, somehow this is all the more his fault?

And to further prove my point, about 30-minutes later, I found myself talking to a good friend of mine about my latest life torments. Which when toppled on top of those previous mentioned afflictions and that the husband is gone from our longhorn town had made things that much worse for me. Go ahead and smite me o' mighty smiter! Yet, later in the conversation I found out that the good friend's wife is out of the country on business for over 2-months. I was complaining about 2 to 4 days on being alone while playing with all my drama. His love is gone for much longer. And, of course, he was handling it much better. I am a dreadful mess.

Indeed, I found out today I had finally lost my angry, but it was replaced. My heart hurt so much I felt it in my eyebrows. I needed to go to my happy place or we were all. going. to. die. And, really, life is not that bad. For me, it was crucial that I get a grip if even just to grasp a roll of toilet paper. As Jack Handy says, "if you ever fall off the sears tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you, because hey, free dummy." That's what life is all about.


So, I did the next thing any reasonable, practical, plausible individual would do. I took a deep breath, ordered a moderately unhealthy pizza, grabbed a beer and turned on "America's Next Top Model." The only therapy a girl ever really needs.

6 comments:

Mindy said...

I love ANTM! I wish they'd get rid of that bitch Renee. I don't care if she's really pretty and has a kid. WHATEVER. She's SUCH a bitch!!

(Calm down, Mindy, it's JUST A SHOW)

Jen said...

. . . .and she SMOKES! Plus, she's a hater of EVERYONE and that's just too much Renee rolling her eyes all the time.

While Jalene is absolutely stunningly gorgeous, she's got to go too. Girlfriend with personality attitude.

I tried not to watch it this season, but I just couldn't resist. It pulls me in - have not the power. And it's cool they put 'normal' sized gals on there. That just rocks!

(Calm down, Jen, it's JUST A SHOW!)

Ian said...

Surely all models smoke? Doesn't it take their minds off food when they're hungry and there's no cocaine to be found?

Jen said...

My understanding is that most models do smoke. The "Model Regulations Board" has kinda come down on that though. They want the gals to be of a "healthy" weight and not smoke anymore or they don't get gigs.

But I dunno about these things. I could just be going back to my crazy.

Ian said...

The Model Regulations Board? Are you sure there's an MRB?

Jen said...

Uh. Right. I made that up.